So this post is going to be a bit personal. Well very personal! I thought if I talk about some of the feelings I am having maybe it will help me feel better. I sure hope so cause I am fighting this post-partum stuff like crazy! (Even though the doctors tests say I am fine and I do not think I truly have it...at least not yet.)
After Emalyn was born I had a rush of emotions! The first emotion I felt was so much love! It was overwhelming and as the saying goes, my cup was over flowing! :) I remember I would cry for anything! I would just hold her while I nursed her and would just cry with so much love and happiness! But another feeling I was having was anxiety! A LOT of it! I had fears of fires, losing jobs and having no money, people shooting us in a public place, the way our world is going and how that is going to effect her, etc. These fears would overwhelm me and I would just lay in bed holding her and cry. These feelings, however, have passed and although I still worry about them at times they aren't an everyday fear and overwhelming feeling.
The feelings I am struggling with now are the feelings of "What if I fail her? What if I am ruining her life by doing this?" I feel so saddened by the fact that the biggest things I wanted in life I feel like I fail at them all...being a wife, a teacher, a mommy, a good friend, and a good Christian women! I wanted nothing more then to be a good wife and do all the things a wife "should" do...clean, cook, laundry, making cookies, crafts, decorate a nice home, etc. I have the good intentions of doing all those things but do I do them? NOPE! Or at least not most of the time. FAIL! I wanted so badly to be an amazing teacher and help those kids that struggle like I did! I never could even get a job and now I don't think I remember how to even do a lesson plan!!! FAIL! Being a good friend...Failed! Being a good Christian women...Failed!!! And then being a mommy! I wanted this so badly!! And now here I am a mommy to the most precious baby girl and I am scared to death that everything I do is wrong! It's going to screw her life up! I feel like all I see or hear is my friends and family doing it all the "right" way! Their kids are perfect, happy, and are well behaved babies/kids. What am I doing wrong? What if I fail at this too?!? How do you know if you are doing it all right? Do you breastfeed or bottle feed, do you use diapers or cloth, do you carry or stroller, Co-sleep or crib and when, get shots or don't, etc. There is so much and it scares me that I am doing it all wrong! What if I don't put her on her tummy enough or what if I don't read to her enough! How can I make her feel so loved and like she deserves nothing but the best! I don't want her to make the mistakes I made! I want NOTHING but the best for her and how do I make sure she gets it???
Are these feelings normal? Did any of my other mommy friends/family feel these too? What things did you do to help cope with these feelings and make sure you were doing what was best for you baby?
Oh Lord! Help me do this!!! I don't want to fail at this too!!!
Sweetheart, you are totally normal! Thank you for your honesty! Reading this post was like reading my own thoughts and it is is hard to find moms who aren't afraid to be honest.
ReplyDeleteIf you are truly dealing with postpartum depression at any level, don't ignore it and reach out for help. I had no issues after my first, but my second was pretty rough. Our midwife put me on Mother Wart which is in the same family as St. john's wart for depression, but it is better at regulating hormones and was very helpful.
As far as your feelings of failure, welcome to the club! The truth is, there is no right way to parent. You are building a relationship with a totally new person and every relationship is different. What works for one mom/baby may not work for you. You can ask for advice or ideas, but take it all with a grain of salt. She is growing and well loved, and that is all she needs.
The best thing you can do for your baby is take care of yourself and her Daddy, because happy parents show a child what love looks like.
Hang in there, Momma! You are doing great! Some things will get easier as time goes by, and some things will get more challenging. Just take it as it comes!