Tomorrow I am starting boot camp for the 3rd time. The first 2 were before our wedding though. I had such good results with them that I want to give it another try and see where I can get this time around. At last to lose the baby fat I gained and get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Here are my goals...and I'm going to be brutally honest to hold myself accountable.
Goal number one: to get back down to 160 lbs. (my pregnancy weight) I believe I have 10 lbs to go.
Goal number two: to lose an additional 20 lbs to get back to my pre England weight...140 lbs.
So a total of 30 lbs to lose over all.
Goal number three: to fit into my size 10's
And my final goal: to fit back into my size 8's.
Goal's one and three are my two goals I will be mainly focusing on but I want to push myself beyond that and make my ultimate goals. Those, however, may take longer then 6 weeks to meet. I will give weekly updates with my progress I've made. Tomorrow when I weigh in I will post my starting weight and measurements along with my starting picture. I am excited to get this going! Help cheer me on and encourage me to keep at it...not just the working out but the eating right too!
14 October 2012
05 October 2012
Post Partum... is that what I am fighting?
So this post is going to be a bit personal. Well very personal! I thought if I talk about some of the feelings I am having maybe it will help me feel better. I sure hope so cause I am fighting this post-partum stuff like crazy! (Even though the doctors tests say I am fine and I do not think I truly have it...at least not yet.)
After Emalyn was born I had a rush of emotions! The first emotion I felt was so much love! It was overwhelming and as the saying goes, my cup was over flowing! :) I remember I would cry for anything! I would just hold her while I nursed her and would just cry with so much love and happiness! But another feeling I was having was anxiety! A LOT of it! I had fears of fires, losing jobs and having no money, people shooting us in a public place, the way our world is going and how that is going to effect her, etc. These fears would overwhelm me and I would just lay in bed holding her and cry. These feelings, however, have passed and although I still worry about them at times they aren't an everyday fear and overwhelming feeling.
The feelings I am struggling with now are the feelings of "What if I fail her? What if I am ruining her life by doing this?" I feel so saddened by the fact that the biggest things I wanted in life I feel like I fail at them all...being a wife, a teacher, a mommy, a good friend, and a good Christian women! I wanted nothing more then to be a good wife and do all the things a wife "should" do...clean, cook, laundry, making cookies, crafts, decorate a nice home, etc. I have the good intentions of doing all those things but do I do them? NOPE! Or at least not most of the time. FAIL! I wanted so badly to be an amazing teacher and help those kids that struggle like I did! I never could even get a job and now I don't think I remember how to even do a lesson plan!!! FAIL! Being a good friend...Failed! Being a good Christian women...Failed!!! And then being a mommy! I wanted this so badly!! And now here I am a mommy to the most precious baby girl and I am scared to death that everything I do is wrong! It's going to screw her life up! I feel like all I see or hear is my friends and family doing it all the "right" way! Their kids are perfect, happy, and are well behaved babies/kids. What am I doing wrong? What if I fail at this too?!? How do you know if you are doing it all right? Do you breastfeed or bottle feed, do you use diapers or cloth, do you carry or stroller, Co-sleep or crib and when, get shots or don't, etc. There is so much and it scares me that I am doing it all wrong! What if I don't put her on her tummy enough or what if I don't read to her enough! How can I make her feel so loved and like she deserves nothing but the best! I don't want her to make the mistakes I made! I want NOTHING but the best for her and how do I make sure she gets it???
Are these feelings normal? Did any of my other mommy friends/family feel these too? What things did you do to help cope with these feelings and make sure you were doing what was best for you baby?
Oh Lord! Help me do this!!! I don't want to fail at this too!!!
After Emalyn was born I had a rush of emotions! The first emotion I felt was so much love! It was overwhelming and as the saying goes, my cup was over flowing! :) I remember I would cry for anything! I would just hold her while I nursed her and would just cry with so much love and happiness! But another feeling I was having was anxiety! A LOT of it! I had fears of fires, losing jobs and having no money, people shooting us in a public place, the way our world is going and how that is going to effect her, etc. These fears would overwhelm me and I would just lay in bed holding her and cry. These feelings, however, have passed and although I still worry about them at times they aren't an everyday fear and overwhelming feeling.
The feelings I am struggling with now are the feelings of "What if I fail her? What if I am ruining her life by doing this?" I feel so saddened by the fact that the biggest things I wanted in life I feel like I fail at them all...being a wife, a teacher, a mommy, a good friend, and a good Christian women! I wanted nothing more then to be a good wife and do all the things a wife "should" do...clean, cook, laundry, making cookies, crafts, decorate a nice home, etc. I have the good intentions of doing all those things but do I do them? NOPE! Or at least not most of the time. FAIL! I wanted so badly to be an amazing teacher and help those kids that struggle like I did! I never could even get a job and now I don't think I remember how to even do a lesson plan!!! FAIL! Being a good friend...Failed! Being a good Christian women...Failed!!! And then being a mommy! I wanted this so badly!! And now here I am a mommy to the most precious baby girl and I am scared to death that everything I do is wrong! It's going to screw her life up! I feel like all I see or hear is my friends and family doing it all the "right" way! Their kids are perfect, happy, and are well behaved babies/kids. What am I doing wrong? What if I fail at this too?!? How do you know if you are doing it all right? Do you breastfeed or bottle feed, do you use diapers or cloth, do you carry or stroller, Co-sleep or crib and when, get shots or don't, etc. There is so much and it scares me that I am doing it all wrong! What if I don't put her on her tummy enough or what if I don't read to her enough! How can I make her feel so loved and like she deserves nothing but the best! I don't want her to make the mistakes I made! I want NOTHING but the best for her and how do I make sure she gets it???
Are these feelings normal? Did any of my other mommy friends/family feel these too? What things did you do to help cope with these feelings and make sure you were doing what was best for you baby?
Oh Lord! Help me do this!!! I don't want to fail at this too!!!
04 October 2012
The birth story of Emalyn Grace
I know a few of you have been asking for the story of Emalyn's birth and although it's been almost 2 months since she was born (REALLY?!?!? Two months, already?!?!) I figured I'd better get that out there!
The last week of July JT and I helped out in VBS at the chapel on base. It was probably one of the hottest weeks in England to date and I was BIG and ready to meet my baby girl. I kept talking to friends and family telling them that I just felt like Emalyn would come early but everyone kept saying to me that most first time moms don't come early but I just had a feeling...but what do I know! :) I did however want her to be born in August so I would talk to her in my belly and tell her that she couldn't come until August 1st. That weekend we went to a BBQ at a friends house and they were playing volleyball. I got out there and played for a little bit. Everyone was concerned that I would go into labor and I kept telling them...That's the point! :) But nothing happened...which is good I guess cause I still had 4 days until August.
July 31st I was having a bad day...I was tired ( wasn't getting hardly any sleep) and I wanted to go walk. JT didn't want to go and that upset me so I stormed off by myself. I walked hard and fast. I felt the Braxton Hicks coming a bit stronger then normal but just blew off...I could still walk and talk and they weren't regular. So after walking for 45 minutes at 38 weeks I came home and went to bed feeling fine. Nothing different.
The next morning I woke up around 8:45 AM when JT kissed me goodbye. I rolled over to go back to sleep and just a LITTLE bit of what I thought was pee came out. I thought on geez...well it was hardly anything at all so I just kept sleeping. A little bit later I roll back over and again just a LITTLE bit came out. I thought..."man...I guess I really need to go to the bathroom". So I got up and started to waddle to the bathroom. JUST as I start to enter into the bathroom...off of the carpet...I feel a bunch of water come out. I thought...Oh my goodness...I REALLY had to go!!! A bit embarrassed and glad JT wasn't home I headed to the toilet and finish the job. When I went to stand up a whole bunch more water comes gushing out. I then start to panic and think...that's not pee...that's my water!!! So I sit back down and begin to talk to myself trying to calm myself down and try and figure out how I was going to get my phone that was by the bed without getting water all over the place. Well, after freaking out the dog and managing to get my phone without too much of a mess, I started the journey of trying to get ahold of my husband! For at least the last couple of months I had been telling JT that he needed to make sure to have his phone on him or let me know how to get ahold of him if he wasn't able to use his cell..."what if I go into labor???...but he always blew it off like it would all be okay. HA! Well I call and call and call every number I had for him and NOTHING!!! Probably 10 to 15 minutes go by of me trying to get ahold of him and getting nothing, that I begin to call the main number but putting in any random last four hoping I would get someone that works close to him...nothing...until some guy answers. Turns out this guy doesn't work in finance, doesn't work on his floor, and he even doesn't work in the same building! HA How did that happen? So after the guy thinking I was pretty crazy I finally tell him that I am pregnant and my water just broke..."WHAT?!?!? Do you need an ambulance?" I told him I was trying to get ahold of my husband but he wasn't answering and was hoping he worked near him. It worked out that he knew who JT was and knew other people that worked with him so he got ahold of them for me!
He called his office and told the lady that worked right next to JT. Once he told her what was going on she hangs up the phone on him, stands up and screams "DANA'S WATER BROKE!!! DANA'S WATER BROKE!!!" as she runs through the office to get JT. JT gets the message and runs home. Now I am the one who is calm and he is freaking out! "What do we need, what do I do, are you okay, etc?" Once I knew he was on his way home I was good. I jumped in the shower and washed off. Did my hair and make up and we were out the door.
We arrived at the hospital around 10:45 AM. They checked us in and put us in the waiting room until an actual room opened up. After waiting in there for about 2 hours they hooked me up to the pitocin to get my contractions going. I wasn't feeling any of them.
Once we got into our room things got a bit blurry as to what all happened. I just know it took a long time for me to even start getting contractions but once I did they were STRONG but I wasn't very dilated. I believe it was some time in the late evening I couldn't handle it anymore.
I was at about 5.5 CM. I didn't want to get an epidural so they gave me some kind of pain killer through my IV to easy the pain. That only lasted about 30 minutes or so. I waited a while longer, to about 11:30pm I think. I had been throwing up, sweating buckets but cold as ice, and shaking uncontrollable. I was 8 cm at this point but I wanted to quit! Throw in the towel, I am DONE! So I gave in and got the epidural. It helped a lot for awhile. I got some rest for the first time since the night before but it stopped working on my right side. They had to up my dosage and gave me a shot to help numb me faster and then I had to push!!! I couldn't even feel my legs, much less my contracts to know when to push! With the help of a nurse and JT lifting my legs I began to push! After awhile though the epidural wore off again but this time she was coming! We believe it was about 3 or so hours of actual pushing until she came at 3:02am!
Once she was out, emotions ran! JT sobbed and I couldn't keep my eyes off of her! I had tore just a bit so the doctor stitched me up while they cleaned her. Once both were done they brought her to me and placed her in my arms. I knew right then that my life was never going to be the same again. My love for her was so big. It was overwhelming. I cried with so much joy and love for both my baby girl and my husband!
She was such a great baby. When she came out she didn't cry. She just kind of fussed a bit and looked around. Even while they cleaned her and poked her. She only cried when they gave her a bath and she got poked for the jaundice. Aww yes, the jaundice. Turned out that she had a pretty high level of jaundice. The day we were suppose to leave the doctor came in and told us about her jaundice. All I remembered her saying was "it's in the level of her getting brain damage". I heard nothing else! She had to be in the light therapy for 17 hours so that meant we had to stay another 24 hours or just about. I just cried and cried while she was in there. It broke my heart even though she was fine. Hardly ever cried.
After being in there for 17 hours she was good! We were able to go home and we were so excited to get home. Feels like just yesterday that we brought her home and it's been 2 months now. Time really does go by so fast!
The last week of July JT and I helped out in VBS at the chapel on base. It was probably one of the hottest weeks in England to date and I was BIG and ready to meet my baby girl. I kept talking to friends and family telling them that I just felt like Emalyn would come early but everyone kept saying to me that most first time moms don't come early but I just had a feeling...but what do I know! :) I did however want her to be born in August so I would talk to her in my belly and tell her that she couldn't come until August 1st. That weekend we went to a BBQ at a friends house and they were playing volleyball. I got out there and played for a little bit. Everyone was concerned that I would go into labor and I kept telling them...That's the point! :) But nothing happened...which is good I guess cause I still had 4 days until August.
July 31st I was having a bad day...I was tired ( wasn't getting hardly any sleep) and I wanted to go walk. JT didn't want to go and that upset me so I stormed off by myself. I walked hard and fast. I felt the Braxton Hicks coming a bit stronger then normal but just blew off...I could still walk and talk and they weren't regular. So after walking for 45 minutes at 38 weeks I came home and went to bed feeling fine. Nothing different.
The next morning I woke up around 8:45 AM when JT kissed me goodbye. I rolled over to go back to sleep and just a LITTLE bit of what I thought was pee came out. I thought on geez...well it was hardly anything at all so I just kept sleeping. A little bit later I roll back over and again just a LITTLE bit came out. I thought..."man...I guess I really need to go to the bathroom". So I got up and started to waddle to the bathroom. JUST as I start to enter into the bathroom...off of the carpet...I feel a bunch of water come out. I thought...Oh my goodness...I REALLY had to go!!! A bit embarrassed and glad JT wasn't home I headed to the toilet and finish the job. When I went to stand up a whole bunch more water comes gushing out. I then start to panic and think...that's not pee...that's my water!!! So I sit back down and begin to talk to myself trying to calm myself down and try and figure out how I was going to get my phone that was by the bed without getting water all over the place. Well, after freaking out the dog and managing to get my phone without too much of a mess, I started the journey of trying to get ahold of my husband! For at least the last couple of months I had been telling JT that he needed to make sure to have his phone on him or let me know how to get ahold of him if he wasn't able to use his cell..."what if I go into labor???...but he always blew it off like it would all be okay. HA! Well I call and call and call every number I had for him and NOTHING!!! Probably 10 to 15 minutes go by of me trying to get ahold of him and getting nothing, that I begin to call the main number but putting in any random last four hoping I would get someone that works close to him...nothing...until some guy answers. Turns out this guy doesn't work in finance, doesn't work on his floor, and he even doesn't work in the same building! HA How did that happen? So after the guy thinking I was pretty crazy I finally tell him that I am pregnant and my water just broke..."WHAT?!?!? Do you need an ambulance?" I told him I was trying to get ahold of my husband but he wasn't answering and was hoping he worked near him. It worked out that he knew who JT was and knew other people that worked with him so he got ahold of them for me!
He called his office and told the lady that worked right next to JT. Once he told her what was going on she hangs up the phone on him, stands up and screams "DANA'S WATER BROKE!!! DANA'S WATER BROKE!!!" as she runs through the office to get JT. JT gets the message and runs home. Now I am the one who is calm and he is freaking out! "What do we need, what do I do, are you okay, etc?" Once I knew he was on his way home I was good. I jumped in the shower and washed off. Did my hair and make up and we were out the door.
Once we got into our room things got a bit blurry as to what all happened. I just know it took a long time for me to even start getting contractions but once I did they were STRONG but I wasn't very dilated. I believe it was some time in the late evening I couldn't handle it anymore.
I was at about 5.5 CM. I didn't want to get an epidural so they gave me some kind of pain killer through my IV to easy the pain. That only lasted about 30 minutes or so. I waited a while longer, to about 11:30pm I think. I had been throwing up, sweating buckets but cold as ice, and shaking uncontrollable. I was 8 cm at this point but I wanted to quit! Throw in the towel, I am DONE! So I gave in and got the epidural. It helped a lot for awhile. I got some rest for the first time since the night before but it stopped working on my right side. They had to up my dosage and gave me a shot to help numb me faster and then I had to push!!! I couldn't even feel my legs, much less my contracts to know when to push! With the help of a nurse and JT lifting my legs I began to push! After awhile though the epidural wore off again but this time she was coming! We believe it was about 3 or so hours of actual pushing until she came at 3:02am!
Once she was out, emotions ran! JT sobbed and I couldn't keep my eyes off of her! I had tore just a bit so the doctor stitched me up while they cleaned her. Once both were done they brought her to me and placed her in my arms. I knew right then that my life was never going to be the same again. My love for her was so big. It was overwhelming. I cried with so much joy and love for both my baby girl and my husband!
She was such a great baby. When she came out she didn't cry. She just kind of fussed a bit and looked around. Even while they cleaned her and poked her. She only cried when they gave her a bath and she got poked for the jaundice. Aww yes, the jaundice. Turned out that she had a pretty high level of jaundice. The day we were suppose to leave the doctor came in and told us about her jaundice. All I remembered her saying was "it's in the level of her getting brain damage". I heard nothing else! She had to be in the light therapy for 17 hours so that meant we had to stay another 24 hours or just about. I just cried and cried while she was in there. It broke my heart even though she was fine. Hardly ever cried.
After being in there for 17 hours she was good! We were able to go home and we were so excited to get home. Feels like just yesterday that we brought her home and it's been 2 months now. Time really does go by so fast!
 |
| Welcome home sweet Emalyn Grace! |
18 April 2012
A new start
It has been a year and a week or so since I last wrote on my blog. Both our labtops broke and we only have our Ipod to use. It kind of makes typing more difficult but I thought I would give it a try. I have a lot to catch up on so I will try and make some entries to catch myself up.
Since my last entry we had our wedding, moved into base housing, bought our first car as Mr and Mrs Atarama, found out we are having a baby, made a trip to Indiana for Christmas, had my 30th birthday, and a lot of other little things happened. I would like to share these events with photos as well. I hope to catch up and keep up with this as time goes on.
So keep an eye out for the next entry...it will be coming soon!
Much love,
Dana
07 April 2011
Unconditional Love
Unconditional, what does that mean? The Webster definition states: Unconditional-not conditional or limited: absolute; unqualified. Some of the synonyms they give are all-out, complete, definite, flat-out, perfect, pure, simple, absolute, and utter. Those were just a few that I liked! This phrase 'Unconditional love' is one that I have strived for, for years! I love the Bible verse 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. This is one verse I have tried for so long to live by and it is so hard. I think I have failed in every area of what it says love is.
Personally I would like to say that I have a big heart! I love to love others! I want them to know they are loved! I try to show that to my family and friends in so many different ways. I've read the 5 Love Languages many times and it says that most people have one or two ways that they show love the strongest. I have a hard time picking what are my strongest! I find that I do them all! I'm not writing this to brag about myself or to say that I am the best at showing love. I know that I am not! I have just been struggling with this "topic" for a while and yesterday I had a LITTLE bit of a breakthrough and I wanted to share my thoughts. And that is all it is...my thoughts! Anyway, back to the love languages. I love to send cards, letters, and little gifts to people. I love to hang out with people, give them hugs, do things for them, etc. I admit I possible could do this a little too much but I enjoy it! I like to make people feel good and let them know I love them! BUT in the last few years it's really hit me hard how little people do it back or even just say a thank you! In my mind I don't get it! I don't understand why not! There really are few excuses not to.
Yesterday I had a bit of a break down and I called someone I thought would give me good advice and understand where I was coming from (mostly because we really are a lot alike). This person told me something that hit me. She said, "Think of it this way. Isn't what you are going through the same thing God goes through daily with all of us?" Hmm...Never thought of it that way! When I hung up I cried...some more...and prayed to God! I told him how sorry I am for ever hurting him the way I have! I never want anyone, especially HIM to hurt the way I do. She also told me that we have to get to a point where we do it simple for the enjoyment we get by doing those things for others! I would like to get to that point and fast! I hate being so disappointed and hurt and feeling like people don't love me and the only way I can do that is to love THEM unconditionally!
I love you all!!!!!!!!!
Personally I would like to say that I have a big heart! I love to love others! I want them to know they are loved! I try to show that to my family and friends in so many different ways. I've read the 5 Love Languages many times and it says that most people have one or two ways that they show love the strongest. I have a hard time picking what are my strongest! I find that I do them all! I'm not writing this to brag about myself or to say that I am the best at showing love. I know that I am not! I have just been struggling with this "topic" for a while and yesterday I had a LITTLE bit of a breakthrough and I wanted to share my thoughts. And that is all it is...my thoughts! Anyway, back to the love languages. I love to send cards, letters, and little gifts to people. I love to hang out with people, give them hugs, do things for them, etc. I admit I possible could do this a little too much but I enjoy it! I like to make people feel good and let them know I love them! BUT in the last few years it's really hit me hard how little people do it back or even just say a thank you! In my mind I don't get it! I don't understand why not! There really are few excuses not to.
Yesterday I had a bit of a break down and I called someone I thought would give me good advice and understand where I was coming from (mostly because we really are a lot alike). This person told me something that hit me. She said, "Think of it this way. Isn't what you are going through the same thing God goes through daily with all of us?" Hmm...Never thought of it that way! When I hung up I cried...some more...and prayed to God! I told him how sorry I am for ever hurting him the way I have! I never want anyone, especially HIM to hurt the way I do. She also told me that we have to get to a point where we do it simple for the enjoyment we get by doing those things for others! I would like to get to that point and fast! I hate being so disappointed and hurt and feeling like people don't love me and the only way I can do that is to love THEM unconditionally!
I love you all!!!!!!!!!
24 March 2011
Week 3 and 4 of Boot Camp
So I didn't get to blog last week. It's been a pretty crazy month for me. In all honesty I am ready for it to slow down and to be in OKC. Yes I know even when I am there it will be crazy busy too but it will be a different kind of busy...one that I think I will enjoy! I am counting down the days...69 to go! 78 until the wedding day! :) Okay now back to boot camp....Last week, was a disappointing week for me. We weighted in like we do every week and....NOTHING. I didn't lose a thing! I feel like I work so hard and I try really hard to eat the right things and I expect to see SOMETHING but I got not an ounce! I left wanting to give up. Thinking to myself, "what's the point?" But this week I got back to it and I'm feeling strong again. We weight in again tonight and I hope no matter what it says I can stay strong and keep pushing through. I was told today by THREE people all in 2 hours that I looked GREAT and that I looked skinny!!! YAY!!! That made me feel good so at least I know something is working. :) I have an example of one of the workouts we did on Tuesday. It wasn't as bad as some of the others but it's one that I wrote down and thought I would challenge you all to try yourself.
Warm up on the bike for 5 minutes at a level 5 or 6
Push the level up to at least a 10 and peddle as hard as you can for 30 seconds and then slow it down for 30 seconds. Do this for 5 minutes.
2 sets of 30 on a shoulder weight machine
2 sets of 100 jump ropes
2 sets of 30 cattle bell swings
2 sets of 30 leg presses
5 mins at level 10 stair steppers
3 sets of 5 burpies
2 sets of 30 pull up machine
2 sets of 30 crunches with weighted ball
2 sets of 30 chest press
3 straight minutes-no stops wall squats (you put a yoga ball on your lower back and squat)
10% incline for 5 minutes on the treadmill
Finish with a 5 minute cool down on the bike
This is what we did on Tuesday night this week. I felt like I was going throw up by the end and had to stay longer than the 60 minutes to complete the whole thing but I did it! Try it out. If you don't know what something is find a trainer at your gym or email me and I'll explain the best I can. Anyway, I'll let yall know my result from my weight in tonight. Pray it's something good so my spirits will stay high! Much love from Sunny England (finally)!
Warm up on the bike for 5 minutes at a level 5 or 6
Push the level up to at least a 10 and peddle as hard as you can for 30 seconds and then slow it down for 30 seconds. Do this for 5 minutes.
2 sets of 30 on a shoulder weight machine
2 sets of 100 jump ropes
2 sets of 30 cattle bell swings
2 sets of 30 leg presses
5 mins at level 10 stair steppers
3 sets of 5 burpies
2 sets of 30 pull up machine
2 sets of 30 crunches with weighted ball
2 sets of 30 chest press
3 straight minutes-no stops wall squats (you put a yoga ball on your lower back and squat)
10% incline for 5 minutes on the treadmill
Finish with a 5 minute cool down on the bike
This is what we did on Tuesday night this week. I felt like I was going throw up by the end and had to stay longer than the 60 minutes to complete the whole thing but I did it! Try it out. If you don't know what something is find a trainer at your gym or email me and I'll explain the best I can. Anyway, I'll let yall know my result from my weight in tonight. Pray it's something good so my spirits will stay high! Much love from Sunny England (finally)!
11 March 2011
Boot Camp week 2=FINISHED
So I've completed two weeks of boot camp already. It's been hard. My body hurts so bad that I hardly can walk. Between my angle hurting, my knee hurting, my shins killing me, and then just the normal pain of muscle hurting I feel like I'm going to die...every day! It never gets better! lol I know in the end I will be proud and the pain will be worth it!
This week was tough. Monday we had to run at a 10% incline on the treadmill for 10 mins! UMMM...are they crazy?? LOL I couldn't run the whole time but I sure tired. My legs were burning so bad. After that they taught us how to use the weight machines. I have never left feeling like that after lifting weights. It was all legs and arms-two sets of 15 and in between each rotation we had to do push-ups and jumping squats. We rotated in between 7 different machines going around 3 times. It was tough.
Tuesday we went to the commissary and were taught what foods to eat and not eat and what things to buy and not to buy. I learned a lot of things such as your sugars should be 5 to 6 grams or less and your fats 6 to 7 grams. Whole wheat and no whites! But you have to check the first ingredient to make sure it says WHOLE WHEAT because there is a lot of false advertising on packages. We also had to do 60 mins of cardio that day since we didn't do anything at boot camp so I did the kickboxing class taught by one of our trainers.
Wednesday we did the 10% incline on the treadmill for 10 mins again and then we did the same thing we did with our arm and leg weight lifting but this time we did it with ab exercise. It was pretty killer. I laughed yesterday because I think it was on Tuesday that I read my friend Katie's status on Facebook where she said "It hurts my abs when I sneeze." I sneezed yesterday and laughed because it hurt when I sneezed. I felt your pain Katie! :) After the ab workout we had to do the same arm and leg machines 2 rounds.
Yesterday (Thursday) we weighed in!!! I weighed in at 166.4!!!!!! I have lost 4 pounds!!! The trainers were so impressed and very proud of me! I was the only one to really lose that much! I left feeling great! After weigh-in we did a high intensity workout with weighted bar, weighted balls and squats, running, and lunges!
With my results this past week of real workout and eating right (we started two weeks ago on Monday but we haven't really worked out or started eating right until Thursday) I feel great! I want to keep pushing myself and see how far I can go! It made me want to work even harder...no cheating when it comes to eating and working my hardest at each workout. The weekends are the hardest for me. There is usually at least one party of some short with lots of yummy yummy food but OH SO bad for me! We also have to do two day so of work out on the weekend. They call it our homework. This weekend’s homework is to do 2 different cardios for 35mins and 500 total of our 3 "favorite" ab workouts, 500 jump ropes, and 50 pushups. I think that's it! :) I don't have it in front of me.
Thank you to everyone who keeps encouraging me and supporting me! I truly appreciate it!
This week was tough. Monday we had to run at a 10% incline on the treadmill for 10 mins! UMMM...are they crazy?? LOL I couldn't run the whole time but I sure tired. My legs were burning so bad. After that they taught us how to use the weight machines. I have never left feeling like that after lifting weights. It was all legs and arms-two sets of 15 and in between each rotation we had to do push-ups and jumping squats. We rotated in between 7 different machines going around 3 times. It was tough.
Tuesday we went to the commissary and were taught what foods to eat and not eat and what things to buy and not to buy. I learned a lot of things such as your sugars should be 5 to 6 grams or less and your fats 6 to 7 grams. Whole wheat and no whites! But you have to check the first ingredient to make sure it says WHOLE WHEAT because there is a lot of false advertising on packages. We also had to do 60 mins of cardio that day since we didn't do anything at boot camp so I did the kickboxing class taught by one of our trainers.
Wednesday we did the 10% incline on the treadmill for 10 mins again and then we did the same thing we did with our arm and leg weight lifting but this time we did it with ab exercise. It was pretty killer. I laughed yesterday because I think it was on Tuesday that I read my friend Katie's status on Facebook where she said "It hurts my abs when I sneeze." I sneezed yesterday and laughed because it hurt when I sneezed. I felt your pain Katie! :) After the ab workout we had to do the same arm and leg machines 2 rounds.
Yesterday (Thursday) we weighed in!!! I weighed in at 166.4!!!!!! I have lost 4 pounds!!! The trainers were so impressed and very proud of me! I was the only one to really lose that much! I left feeling great! After weigh-in we did a high intensity workout with weighted bar, weighted balls and squats, running, and lunges!
With my results this past week of real workout and eating right (we started two weeks ago on Monday but we haven't really worked out or started eating right until Thursday) I feel great! I want to keep pushing myself and see how far I can go! It made me want to work even harder...no cheating when it comes to eating and working my hardest at each workout. The weekends are the hardest for me. There is usually at least one party of some short with lots of yummy yummy food but OH SO bad for me! We also have to do two day so of work out on the weekend. They call it our homework. This weekend’s homework is to do 2 different cardios for 35mins and 500 total of our 3 "favorite" ab workouts, 500 jump ropes, and 50 pushups. I think that's it! :) I don't have it in front of me.
Thank you to everyone who keeps encouraging me and supporting me! I truly appreciate it!
03 March 2011
Boot Camp, here I come!
Two years ago I was at my thinnest and most fit stage of my life! I felt great about the way I looked and I was so proud to say I beat the odds that were put against me by some of my family. I remember growing up and being told "don't you worry; you will get big like the rest of us. Your day is coming! You're a Fraley" I was proud to show those that said those things to me that I could do it! But then....I came home from South Korea and moved to England and now two years later they were right!!! I am at my largest and most unfit stage of my life. I HATE it! I hate the way I look! I just want to wear sweat pants and sweat shirts all the time. I hate that I can't wear my cute clothes taking up the little space I have in my closet. I hate that I have to buy bigger clothes. I hate that I can't do the things I use to be able to do. I hate that I don't feel pretty EVER! Well, I have had enough of hating myself and letting the odds against me win! SO, I joined boot camp!
No, I'm not going to the Army! :) At the gym on base they have a 6 week program with two highly trained fitness trainers that is a high intensity, butt kicking boot camp! I started on Monday the 28th and will go until April 7th. Its 4 days a week for an hour.
On Monday we weighed in to track our starting weight. I weighed in at 170lbs. Tuesday we did our first 1.5 mile run. When they said we were running....outside....in the cold....on the track. I thought to myself, what the heck am I doing?!?!? I can't do that! I HATE running! BUT, I got out there, no complaining (out loud), and I ran...and ran....and ran. I ran the mile without stopping! I was so proud of myself! I have NEVER done that in my life! So I had to keep going but I got a cramp so I did stop walk for the first curve and the last curve but I finished at 16.50. Not bad for someone who has never even done a mile much less a mile and a half! I was so proud of myself! At the end of the camp we will do the run again to see what progress we have made. Yesterday we did the rest of our assessments. We did are measurements first. My neck:13 , waist:30 , hips:41 , thighs:r-23.5, l-23.5, calves:r-16.25, l-16 , and biceps:r-13.5, l-13. We did the rest in 1 minute. Jump rope: 107, ball squats:47 , push-ups:38 , and sit-ups:41 . Just from those things I feel like my body got ran over by a big truck! And they say tonight is suppose to kick our butts! : /
My plan is to keep you all updated on my progress. I'm going to lay out there all the bad things that I hate so much about myself and I need your encouragement to keep going! I want to go home in June feeling good about myself not embarrassed and ashamed and ugly! I want my wedding dress to look amazing on me and for me to walk down the aisle with my head held high! So here I go...off to boot camp!
No, I'm not going to the Army! :) At the gym on base they have a 6 week program with two highly trained fitness trainers that is a high intensity, butt kicking boot camp! I started on Monday the 28th and will go until April 7th. Its 4 days a week for an hour.
On Monday we weighed in to track our starting weight. I weighed in at 170lbs. Tuesday we did our first 1.5 mile run. When they said we were running....outside....in the cold....on the track. I thought to myself, what the heck am I doing?!?!? I can't do that! I HATE running! BUT, I got out there, no complaining (out loud), and I ran...and ran....and ran. I ran the mile without stopping! I was so proud of myself! I have NEVER done that in my life! So I had to keep going but I got a cramp so I did stop walk for the first curve and the last curve but I finished at 16.50. Not bad for someone who has never even done a mile much less a mile and a half! I was so proud of myself! At the end of the camp we will do the run again to see what progress we have made. Yesterday we did the rest of our assessments. We did are measurements first. My neck:13 , waist:30 , hips:41 , thighs:r-23.5, l-23.5, calves:r-16.25, l-16 , and biceps:r-13.5, l-13. We did the rest in 1 minute. Jump rope: 107, ball squats:47 , push-ups:38 , and sit-ups:41 . Just from those things I feel like my body got ran over by a big truck! And they say tonight is suppose to kick our butts! : /
My plan is to keep you all updated on my progress. I'm going to lay out there all the bad things that I hate so much about myself and I need your encouragement to keep going! I want to go home in June feeling good about myself not embarrassed and ashamed and ugly! I want my wedding dress to look amazing on me and for me to walk down the aisle with my head held high! So here I go...off to boot camp!
17 January 2011
Choosing to SEE
So this blog has a couple of different things I wanted to talk about. It's funny that now when things happen or I see or hear about something I've started to think to myself, "hmmm, that would be a good thing to blog about" but I never seem to have the time. Plus I'm just not that good at putting my thoughts down in words. But I do try.
First, I wanted to tell you all about this book I have been reading. Yes! I HAVE been reading a book (when I find the time so it has taken longer than it should)! Most of you know that I'm not one to sit down and just read. I've never enjoyed it simple because my mind can't just stay focused on what I'm reading. It starts to wonder to something else so only part of my mind is taken in what I'm reading. It's really annoying actually because I think I could enjoy reading a lot more. Anyway, I've been reading this book that JT's mother sent to me called Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman. If you haven't heard about their story (which I'm sure most of you have and I'm just the last one to hear about it) you should read this book. Even if you have heard about their story, you should read it! It's amazing to me how they made it through the things they have gone through and still praise God through it all! I love how much their family loves each other and would do ANYTHING for one another (something I've been striving for since I was a bossy little girl). And I love the love they have for Christ even though they have suffered they way they have. One thing Mary Beth has taught me is that I have been fed a LOT of BIG lies from Satan and I've allowed myself to believe them! She didn't! And I admire that in her! I would give anything to be as strong as she is because I'm drowning here and so desperately want to be back to the girl God intended me to be. Maybe one day! Soon, I hope! This book has made me laugh, made me cry, made me value the people who are important to me more, and made me soften my heart just a bit more. You should read it too!
Second, I watched this movie last night that was a true story about a black lady who was treated wrongly by a man in Georgia and was wrongly accused of killing the man and was sentenced to the electric chair. The first and only women to be killed by the electric chair in the state of Georgia. As I cried while watching her suffer and be treated so wrongfully, I thought to myself, "how in the world could people have thought it was okay to treat other human beings that way JUST because they had different skin color?" I love watching movies that are true like this because it makes me want to be a person who makes a difference. The sad thing is I always have had the good intentions....I want to go to Africa to help those who are in need, I want to help the poor who have no home or food to eat, I want to help those that are beaten and treated wrongly, I want to give love to those who have never known love....but I never seem to act on those intentions! Yes, I show those around me love and yes I've gone on several mission trips to help those who are poor and have no home and no food but have I really DONE something? I WANT to do more but I never do! I don't know if it's that I'm scared or have the lack of resources to get started but whatever it is I'm tired of sitting around saying, "oh that is so sad! Someone should do something to help them!" and I want to start being that "someone" to help them. There is so much to do even around our own cities. It just always seems that something is always keeping us busy. I'm thinking it's time to unbusy ourselves and start acting!
And finally, the thing I wanted to talk about that has to do with the title of this blog. A few blogs ago I wrote you all and shared the really big struggles I am facing right now. One of those struggles being "friends"! Well, I feel like I've made a change by opening up more and being more friendly. I've kind of found the old cheerful, friendly Dana I use to be and started smiling and saying hello to people as they pass by and I've even just started walking around work and while running around on base with a smile on all the time and actually feeling happy. I feel different then I did a few months ago and feel like I've made progress BUT it's funny because as I'm starting to feel more like myself, the friendship department has gone downhill big time. In fact to be 100% honest I feel that I have no friends here at all. It's been hard for me. I watch people going out together all the time, getting together for this and that, having Bible studies together, etc and I'm never invited. I sit at home every night, including weekends. Now, yes this is a bit good in the sense that if I'm home then I'm not out spending money that I truly do not have but it would at least be nice to be invited to something. This weekend was probably one of the hardest ones. As I cried to JT he told me something that he has told me before but this time it hit me hard! He told me, "I'm sorry I brought you into this world and I know it's going to be so hard for you but you most likely will never find a TRUE friend as long as we are in the military world." We talked about this for a while because it is very hard for me. He is TRULY my best friend and man did I get the MOST wonderful and amazing, BEST best friend in the world! I just feel sorry for him because that means he gets it all. All the complaining, and hurt I feel, the excitement and silly girly stuff, EVERYTHING. But he does handle it better than most girls do! :) But, the thing he said was on my mind all weekend and made me think. There must be something God is trying to do in my life right now! I know he didn't make me the way he did so later in life I can be sad and hurting the rest of my life. I know that I need to take this time and open my ears and my heart and listen to what it is he is trying to teach me. I ask that you all will pray that I will soften my heart, listen to him, and allow him to teach me whatever it is he is trying to teach me! And also pray that JT will have a LOT of patience with me! :)
First, I wanted to tell you all about this book I have been reading. Yes! I HAVE been reading a book (when I find the time so it has taken longer than it should)! Most of you know that I'm not one to sit down and just read. I've never enjoyed it simple because my mind can't just stay focused on what I'm reading. It starts to wonder to something else so only part of my mind is taken in what I'm reading. It's really annoying actually because I think I could enjoy reading a lot more. Anyway, I've been reading this book that JT's mother sent to me called Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman. If you haven't heard about their story (which I'm sure most of you have and I'm just the last one to hear about it) you should read this book. Even if you have heard about their story, you should read it! It's amazing to me how they made it through the things they have gone through and still praise God through it all! I love how much their family loves each other and would do ANYTHING for one another (something I've been striving for since I was a bossy little girl). And I love the love they have for Christ even though they have suffered they way they have. One thing Mary Beth has taught me is that I have been fed a LOT of BIG lies from Satan and I've allowed myself to believe them! She didn't! And I admire that in her! I would give anything to be as strong as she is because I'm drowning here and so desperately want to be back to the girl God intended me to be. Maybe one day! Soon, I hope! This book has made me laugh, made me cry, made me value the people who are important to me more, and made me soften my heart just a bit more. You should read it too!
Second, I watched this movie last night that was a true story about a black lady who was treated wrongly by a man in Georgia and was wrongly accused of killing the man and was sentenced to the electric chair. The first and only women to be killed by the electric chair in the state of Georgia. As I cried while watching her suffer and be treated so wrongfully, I thought to myself, "how in the world could people have thought it was okay to treat other human beings that way JUST because they had different skin color?" I love watching movies that are true like this because it makes me want to be a person who makes a difference. The sad thing is I always have had the good intentions....I want to go to Africa to help those who are in need, I want to help the poor who have no home or food to eat, I want to help those that are beaten and treated wrongly, I want to give love to those who have never known love....but I never seem to act on those intentions! Yes, I show those around me love and yes I've gone on several mission trips to help those who are poor and have no home and no food but have I really DONE something? I WANT to do more but I never do! I don't know if it's that I'm scared or have the lack of resources to get started but whatever it is I'm tired of sitting around saying, "oh that is so sad! Someone should do something to help them!" and I want to start being that "someone" to help them. There is so much to do even around our own cities. It just always seems that something is always keeping us busy. I'm thinking it's time to unbusy ourselves and start acting!
And finally, the thing I wanted to talk about that has to do with the title of this blog. A few blogs ago I wrote you all and shared the really big struggles I am facing right now. One of those struggles being "friends"! Well, I feel like I've made a change by opening up more and being more friendly. I've kind of found the old cheerful, friendly Dana I use to be and started smiling and saying hello to people as they pass by and I've even just started walking around work and while running around on base with a smile on all the time and actually feeling happy. I feel different then I did a few months ago and feel like I've made progress BUT it's funny because as I'm starting to feel more like myself, the friendship department has gone downhill big time. In fact to be 100% honest I feel that I have no friends here at all. It's been hard for me. I watch people going out together all the time, getting together for this and that, having Bible studies together, etc and I'm never invited. I sit at home every night, including weekends. Now, yes this is a bit good in the sense that if I'm home then I'm not out spending money that I truly do not have but it would at least be nice to be invited to something. This weekend was probably one of the hardest ones. As I cried to JT he told me something that he has told me before but this time it hit me hard! He told me, "I'm sorry I brought you into this world and I know it's going to be so hard for you but you most likely will never find a TRUE friend as long as we are in the military world." We talked about this for a while because it is very hard for me. He is TRULY my best friend and man did I get the MOST wonderful and amazing, BEST best friend in the world! I just feel sorry for him because that means he gets it all. All the complaining, and hurt I feel, the excitement and silly girly stuff, EVERYTHING. But he does handle it better than most girls do! :) But, the thing he said was on my mind all weekend and made me think. There must be something God is trying to do in my life right now! I know he didn't make me the way he did so later in life I can be sad and hurting the rest of my life. I know that I need to take this time and open my ears and my heart and listen to what it is he is trying to teach me. I ask that you all will pray that I will soften my heart, listen to him, and allow him to teach me whatever it is he is trying to teach me! And also pray that JT will have a LOT of patience with me! :)
13 January 2011
Time for a serious change
So today I went to the doctors. I had some blood tests done yesterday and my doctor wanted to go over the results with me. Found out some kind of scary results. She told me that my bad cholesterol is too high. It is at 217 and should be below 100. Not good! My calcium is a bit low. It's 8.8 and should be at 10.5 and my glucose is a bit high. It's at 106.5 and should below 100. This isn't good. They gave me lots of information on how to lower your cholesterol and told me that if my glucose doesn't go down that they need to test me for diabetes. Hmmm....not a good thing! So from today forward I have to make changes on how to eat my food. I was sent to the HAWK on base which is a place that helps people with eating healthy and exercising right. They have all kinds of classes to teach you how to do things such as cooking....so I was told I need to go to one of these classes to teach me how to cook healthy.
I want to take this time to ask my family and friends to make some of these same changes in their own lives and way of eating. I know it takes me time to plan things out and it is just so much easier to go to Taco Bell (yummy Taco Bell) but we need to think of our long term health and our kid’s health. So starting today my life is going to be changing, why don't you make that change too?
I want to take this time to ask my family and friends to make some of these same changes in their own lives and way of eating. I know it takes me time to plan things out and it is just so much easier to go to Taco Bell (yummy Taco Bell) but we need to think of our long term health and our kid’s health. So starting today my life is going to be changing, why don't you make that change too?
01 January 2011
Happy New Year
 |
| My New Year's Kiss |
Happy New Year everyone! I pray that my new year is just that...happy! I also pray that all of your new years are happy too! I've been thinking about what my first blog of 2011 should be about. Should I write my New Years resolutions, or should I write about my past year events? Or perhaps I should write about the things that have been troubling my heart and my desires to make them better. I decided that I'm going to try and focus on the future and how I can make it better then my past. So here are the things that I want to focus on this New Year.
1. I want to focus on my relationship with Christ and how I can make it stronger; reading my Bible, praying, getting involved at church....
2. I want to focus on loving JT unconditionally and whole heartily, being the best wife for him; writing him little notes, doing devotions together as a couple, date nights once a week, taking care of him when he needs it, learning to understand our differences and accept them, tell him I love him everyday...
4. I want to focus on learning how to love myself; stop thinking and saying negative things about myself, taking care of my body and heath, believing that I am worthy of love and that I AM loved.....
These 4 things cover a LOT and are going to take a lot of dedication and effort but I know it is time for me to let go of so much and make a lot of changes starting with giving control back to my God.
I am excited for what 2011 hold. JT and I only have 160 days from today until our wedding day and I am beyond excited. I am going to be working on losing weight for the next 5 months so that I can look great for that day as well as just feeling better about myself! I could really use all of your encouragement and support because it's been hard to stay strong with it but I know I can do it and I WILL!!!!
Well again, Happy New Year to you all and I truly pray that your new year does bring happiness!!! I can't wait to see some of you in this coming year and know that I hold you all close to my heart.
Tell me what are some of you New Year resolutions?????
03 December 2010
Satan is attacking hard
I just wanted to ask you all that read to lift JT and I up in prayer! Satan is attacking us both individually as well as a couple. It is bring us down and making things very difficult for us both. We are fighting but could really use some help. Thank you all in advance.
30 November 2010
To-do list
This weekend while I was making my to-do list and crossing things off I realized something. I realized how much I do not like making a list of things to do because once you do them a week later you have to do them again. Just like making you bed. I'll admit something to you all. I never make my bed in the morning. I've tried before and I'll admit when I do I feel better about the way my room looks but why do it? You just mess it up again that night. Laundry...same thing! As soon as you have ALL the dirty clothes washed and folded you go to bed that night and you already have a pile of clothes to be washed again. Dishes....again...same thing. You get all your dishes washed and put away and you have more dishes to be washed by an hour later. URGH! OH this one REALLY drives me crazy. Sweeping and mopping the floor!!! Our entry way and hall into the living room and the kitchen are all tile. I will sweep and mop and not EVEN 30 minutes later there are shoe prints all over the floor! Drives me insane!!! It makes me not want to clean it at all. Does anyone else feel this way or is it just me?
25 November 2010
What's happened to me?!?!?
Well when I first started this blog I stated in my first blog that there will be times where you will get to see the 'raw' Dana. The concerns and struggles I am having. Well here is one of those times...and it's a long one. I'm not really sure how to start it so I'm just going to type, okay? Okay.
For quite some time now, probably about two years, I have been developing a hardened heart! My heart is so hardened that I don't even recognize myself! Those of you who have known me for a long time wouldn't believe that it's me and those of you who I have just meet in the last couple of years wouldn't have believed who I use to be. While I was standing at church during the praise and worship part I couldn't bring myself to sing. This isn’t like me! I use to LOVE the worship part of church. I loved singing those songs. But now every time I open my mouth to sing tears start to fill my eyes and I have to stop. I don't even know why I tear up but I do EVERY time! When I was younger I was so outgoing and befriended as many people as I could. I was always involved in everything. Now, NO THANK YOU! The fact that I am even going to church is a good step. One that was hard for me to do. Not, that it's because I'm living this life full of sin and doing things I shouldn't but just because I would rather sit at home by myself or with JT, not having to face people who could hurt me or judge me I guess. But also not having to face God in his own house. Now I realize these are two different issues or maybe there not but the reasoning behind my feeling for these two things are different. I'll start with the people part first because I know the answer to that one.
When I go to church or anywhere for that matter I walk in usually with my head slightly down and very closed off. When I am greeted I smile a small grin and say a very quite hello. If I am not greeted, even better. I can keep walking and not be faced with meeting someone else in this world. Now as of lately I've forced myself to get involved with different activities such as the Enlisted spouses club or going to weight watchers or to a yoga class but with those I sit there awkwardly and hardly talk to anyone unless I already know them well. For those of you who really know me, this isn't like me, is it??? And to be honest it drives me crazy that I can't be like I use to and just walk in to a place cheerful and happy and talk to anyone and make a new friend. I just CAN'T do it. I've tried. My heart is so shut off that I can't warm it back up again. Now every once in awhile I am able to but it's usually with people who are quieter then I am. Now you may be asking, why are you like this Dana, what happened?? Well, I've been asking myself that same question and I can only come up with a few answers. Now whether everything has to do with it or if it's just part of it I don't know but I know it has affected me.
When I first moved here to Lakenheath AB and started working at the CDC I was struggling more than ever before with just plain happiness. I had met a lot of people that I never knew grown women could act like they did. A lot of just plain mean women and rude women and I had never had as much trouble making friends as I did there. At least friends that were worth being a friend to. I guess growing up in the kind of home I did and the kind of culture I did protected me from flat out evil people and I just couldn't wrap my head around it and it made me very depressed and really angry. I shut down in every way possible. Not just because I couldn't make friends here in England but also because the friendships I held close to my heart weren't as strong as I thought they should be and it hurt in so many ways that I don't even know how to express it. Now, what I am about to write I pray doesn't hurt anyone or that no one will take it personal. Why I am doing this is not to make anyone feel bad but to maybe help myself forgive whole heartily and to hopefully find my way back to who God made me to be.
To be honest, I don't even know where to begin on this part of my story. All I know is that it hurt a great amount and honestly is what pushed me over the edge and made me shut down or shell I say go into a shall. There is too much to really explain everything. Going back to living in S. Korea. Well, probably farther than that but that is just when I remember it starting to hurt as bad as it did to where it started to affect me. All I will say is that I felt alone. I began to question myself and how I was as a friend, as a sister, as a daughter and even as a wife. When I would think about who truly cared about me as a friend I felt like there was no one and it hurt. I even questioned if some of my family truly cared. Now, please understand that I'm not blaming anyone and again I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad. Now, yes can we all do better at showing our love for others? YES!!! Including myself but I whole heartily believe that Satan was and IS behind this. The pain was so great that I was looking for someone or something to help ease it so I started going to a councilor here on base. Can I say she truly helped me, no. First, she wasn't a Christian so she wasn't directing me in the way I SHOULD (and knew) I should be going. But she did explain something about me that I now see as SO true. She showed me that I hold GREAT expectations of everyone and every situation and when those expectations don't go the way I think or hoped they would it greatly disappointments me to where sometimes I can become depressed. WOW! I didn't realize I was doing that! I am setting myself up for a world of hurt! Okay, so now that I know this about myself, what do I do to stop it? How can I change it? And that is where I'm stuck.
I truly enjoy making people feel good about themselves. I love giving to people and I love being the best friend I can be. Am I always that way? No, like you, I am human and I get caught up in other things or I forget or whatever the case may be but I do try very hard. At least I use to. But I so desperately want to get back to the person I use to be BUT without the expectations in return. I know we are suppose to love others with no expectation for it being returned and when we do expect it people have said (or at least I remember this from somewhere) that we didn't truly love them in the first place! I would have to disagree because I ALWAYS loved! TRUELY loved! I guess I just wanted or needed to be loved in the same way I loved others.
I am struggling to find myself again. I am struggling to love whole heartily again in fear of being disappointed (because of myself). But I am fighting to find myself again and I fighting to love whole heartily again withOUT the expectations and the set up for disappointment. I do value my family and my friends! And I try to put my whole heart into everything I do for each one of them. I am sorry for expecting anything in return from anyone of you! And I am sorry for letting any of you down. I will find myself again and your real friend/sister/daughter/and wife will be back. I just pray it's soon.
Now, back to that second part of this whole thing. I've been sitting here for awhile now wondering why I am I so afraid/angry/scared of God. Or what is it that has built that wall between him and me? And why can't I bring it down? To be honest, I don't have ONE answer. I can name bits and pieces as to what have been a part of why but not just one thing. THIS is it! Or THIS is why. So I'm just going to say this, please pray for me to find my way back to him! Or no, better yet to ALLOW him back into my life. To bring down that wall I have up. To feel loved by him again! Please don't get me wrong here and please don't judge me. (I've had enough of that in my past). I do love God and I do try to be Christ like every day. I go to church and I pray to God. I don't want to be preached at or told the same things I've been told my WHOLE life. I just need to be encouraged and lifted up in prayer. Does that make sense?
I pray that this blog makes sense and I can start finding myself again. If I rambled on please forgive me. I just really needed this to be said. Let the real me be known. Now since I am finishing this blog on Thanksgiving Day I want to say a little something about being Thankful! I want each one of you to know just how thankful I am for you! I am grateful for the friends I do have and the family I have! I miss those of you that I don't get to see every often more then you will ever know and I am grateful for the ones of you that I have in my every day to day life. Each one of you has helped me along my crazy life journey in more ways then you know and I couldn't have made it without you! I love you all and pray you have are having a very blessed Thanksgiving with family and if not family then wonderful friends!!! Happy Thanksgiving!!!!
For quite some time now, probably about two years, I have been developing a hardened heart! My heart is so hardened that I don't even recognize myself! Those of you who have known me for a long time wouldn't believe that it's me and those of you who I have just meet in the last couple of years wouldn't have believed who I use to be. While I was standing at church during the praise and worship part I couldn't bring myself to sing. This isn’t like me! I use to LOVE the worship part of church. I loved singing those songs. But now every time I open my mouth to sing tears start to fill my eyes and I have to stop. I don't even know why I tear up but I do EVERY time! When I was younger I was so outgoing and befriended as many people as I could. I was always involved in everything. Now, NO THANK YOU! The fact that I am even going to church is a good step. One that was hard for me to do. Not, that it's because I'm living this life full of sin and doing things I shouldn't but just because I would rather sit at home by myself or with JT, not having to face people who could hurt me or judge me I guess. But also not having to face God in his own house. Now I realize these are two different issues or maybe there not but the reasoning behind my feeling for these two things are different. I'll start with the people part first because I know the answer to that one.
When I go to church or anywhere for that matter I walk in usually with my head slightly down and very closed off. When I am greeted I smile a small grin and say a very quite hello. If I am not greeted, even better. I can keep walking and not be faced with meeting someone else in this world. Now as of lately I've forced myself to get involved with different activities such as the Enlisted spouses club or going to weight watchers or to a yoga class but with those I sit there awkwardly and hardly talk to anyone unless I already know them well. For those of you who really know me, this isn't like me, is it??? And to be honest it drives me crazy that I can't be like I use to and just walk in to a place cheerful and happy and talk to anyone and make a new friend. I just CAN'T do it. I've tried. My heart is so shut off that I can't warm it back up again. Now every once in awhile I am able to but it's usually with people who are quieter then I am. Now you may be asking, why are you like this Dana, what happened?? Well, I've been asking myself that same question and I can only come up with a few answers. Now whether everything has to do with it or if it's just part of it I don't know but I know it has affected me.
When I first moved here to Lakenheath AB and started working at the CDC I was struggling more than ever before with just plain happiness. I had met a lot of people that I never knew grown women could act like they did. A lot of just plain mean women and rude women and I had never had as much trouble making friends as I did there. At least friends that were worth being a friend to. I guess growing up in the kind of home I did and the kind of culture I did protected me from flat out evil people and I just couldn't wrap my head around it and it made me very depressed and really angry. I shut down in every way possible. Not just because I couldn't make friends here in England but also because the friendships I held close to my heart weren't as strong as I thought they should be and it hurt in so many ways that I don't even know how to express it. Now, what I am about to write I pray doesn't hurt anyone or that no one will take it personal. Why I am doing this is not to make anyone feel bad but to maybe help myself forgive whole heartily and to hopefully find my way back to who God made me to be.
To be honest, I don't even know where to begin on this part of my story. All I know is that it hurt a great amount and honestly is what pushed me over the edge and made me shut down or shell I say go into a shall. There is too much to really explain everything. Going back to living in S. Korea. Well, probably farther than that but that is just when I remember it starting to hurt as bad as it did to where it started to affect me. All I will say is that I felt alone. I began to question myself and how I was as a friend, as a sister, as a daughter and even as a wife. When I would think about who truly cared about me as a friend I felt like there was no one and it hurt. I even questioned if some of my family truly cared. Now, please understand that I'm not blaming anyone and again I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad. Now, yes can we all do better at showing our love for others? YES!!! Including myself but I whole heartily believe that Satan was and IS behind this. The pain was so great that I was looking for someone or something to help ease it so I started going to a councilor here on base. Can I say she truly helped me, no. First, she wasn't a Christian so she wasn't directing me in the way I SHOULD (and knew) I should be going. But she did explain something about me that I now see as SO true. She showed me that I hold GREAT expectations of everyone and every situation and when those expectations don't go the way I think or hoped they would it greatly disappointments me to where sometimes I can become depressed. WOW! I didn't realize I was doing that! I am setting myself up for a world of hurt! Okay, so now that I know this about myself, what do I do to stop it? How can I change it? And that is where I'm stuck.
I truly enjoy making people feel good about themselves. I love giving to people and I love being the best friend I can be. Am I always that way? No, like you, I am human and I get caught up in other things or I forget or whatever the case may be but I do try very hard. At least I use to. But I so desperately want to get back to the person I use to be BUT without the expectations in return. I know we are suppose to love others with no expectation for it being returned and when we do expect it people have said (or at least I remember this from somewhere) that we didn't truly love them in the first place! I would have to disagree because I ALWAYS loved! TRUELY loved! I guess I just wanted or needed to be loved in the same way I loved others.
I am struggling to find myself again. I am struggling to love whole heartily again in fear of being disappointed (because of myself). But I am fighting to find myself again and I fighting to love whole heartily again withOUT the expectations and the set up for disappointment. I do value my family and my friends! And I try to put my whole heart into everything I do for each one of them. I am sorry for expecting anything in return from anyone of you! And I am sorry for letting any of you down. I will find myself again and your real friend/sister/daughter/and wife will be back. I just pray it's soon.
Now, back to that second part of this whole thing. I've been sitting here for awhile now wondering why I am I so afraid/angry/scared of God. Or what is it that has built that wall between him and me? And why can't I bring it down? To be honest, I don't have ONE answer. I can name bits and pieces as to what have been a part of why but not just one thing. THIS is it! Or THIS is why. So I'm just going to say this, please pray for me to find my way back to him! Or no, better yet to ALLOW him back into my life. To bring down that wall I have up. To feel loved by him again! Please don't get me wrong here and please don't judge me. (I've had enough of that in my past). I do love God and I do try to be Christ like every day. I go to church and I pray to God. I don't want to be preached at or told the same things I've been told my WHOLE life. I just need to be encouraged and lifted up in prayer. Does that make sense?
I pray that this blog makes sense and I can start finding myself again. If I rambled on please forgive me. I just really needed this to be said. Let the real me be known. Now since I am finishing this blog on Thanksgiving Day I want to say a little something about being Thankful! I want each one of you to know just how thankful I am for you! I am grateful for the friends I do have and the family I have! I miss those of you that I don't get to see every often more then you will ever know and I am grateful for the ones of you that I have in my every day to day life. Each one of you has helped me along my crazy life journey in more ways then you know and I couldn't have made it without you! I love you all and pray you have are having a very blessed Thanksgiving with family and if not family then wonderful friends!!! Happy Thanksgiving!!!!
19 November 2010
London Fog
London fog has a whole new meaning. This afternonn at 4:30 while driving to where I was babysitting the fog was so thick I could hardly see in front of my car. I was driving slow in fear I wouldn't see the turn in front of me and drive off the road or hit another car. The British cars were honking their horns at me ( not really but I thought they might) and driving around me as if I was an old lady driving so slow and there was no reason to. I was really freaked out. I thought to myself NOW I understand what they meant by saying London fog! I wished I could take a picture to share with everyone. I promise, unless you have been to Egland and experienced it your self, you have never seen anything like it. Maybe one day I'll get a picture to share with you all. Oh I also found it fun that they had delayed starts for fog. Now I get that as well. :)
17 November 2010
New Job
Today I started at my new job. I am now a special education aide at Lakenheath Elementary. I get to work with about 9 or so kids that are so sweet and smart. I won't lie to you. I was pretty nervous about this job. I guess just because I haven't ever worked with Special Ed kids before and I didn't know what to expect. The kids I work with are very mild cased kids who really just need some extra help with their work and understanding. I got a bunch of great kids I think and I am excited to see what I can do to help them. I came home feeling like I haven't slept in days. I forgot how tiring it is to work with kids all day. And I'm not talking like my other job where I worked with babies but working with school aged kids makes your mind go numb. If you all could keep me in your prayers while I get started with this new job. Pray that I will have the confidence I need in myself and my abilities to help these precious children who are striving to be something special in life.
I don't know if many of you know that I too was once where these little guys were. When I was in 1st grade I was held back. When I moved to Colorado in the middle of my second grade year the CO schools began to pull my out and test me. I became what is known as a Special Ed student. I remember just like it was yesterday the kids making fun of me and calling me stupid. You could watch my self esteem slip farther and farther away each year as I became older. Those early years still affect me to this day in just about everything I do. I want so badly to help these kids have a different turn out then I did. I want to make them feel like they are just as smart as the kid next to them and there isn't one thing they aren't able to do. I want to make them believe in themselves! I hope I can be that person to them that I didn't have! (Besides my mom! J Thank you momma!)
I don't know if many of you know that I too was once where these little guys were. When I was in 1st grade I was held back. When I moved to Colorado in the middle of my second grade year the CO schools began to pull my out and test me. I became what is known as a Special Ed student. I remember just like it was yesterday the kids making fun of me and calling me stupid. You could watch my self esteem slip farther and farther away each year as I became older. Those early years still affect me to this day in just about everything I do. I want so badly to help these kids have a different turn out then I did. I want to make them feel like they are just as smart as the kid next to them and there isn't one thing they aren't able to do. I want to make them believe in themselves! I hope I can be that person to them that I didn't have! (Besides my mom! J Thank you momma!)
08 November 2010
Do Americans have too much or does the rest of the world not have enough?
Well I think I can say that Friday was the first day I hated living in England! Now in Korea I could say that probably 4 to 5 times a week but here I haven't really felt those frustrations until then I think.
JT and I bought a full size mattress for our guess bedroom because next weekend his friend is coming to visit for the weekend and my parents are coming to visit us for Christmas. It was delivered to our house on Wednesday and has been sitting in our living room until Friday. Why you might ask! Well I will tell you. It has been sitting down in our living room because we had no space to put it in the guestroom. You see, we have a 3 bedroom and 2 and a half bath. It is also only a few years old. We are the second people to live in it. You would think that is great and we have a pretty nice house which we do. It is a very nice house BUT the only think I hate about it is that there are NO closets at all. Nothing! So we have to buy these wardrobe things so that we can hang up our cloths and we had to buy these selves to put our bathroom things on and somewhere to put our towels. This sucks too because the rooms are already REALLY small and now we have to take up even more space with these large wardrobes. All this to say, we have EVRYTHING that doesn't have a place in the two extra rooms (which is a lot of stuff).
So Friday I had to put ALL the stuff in the guest bedroom into the office/laundry/closet room. Let me just say that room is now an even bigger mess and you can't even get in the room (that's my next project). Anyway in the middle of moving the bed up the stairs (by myself) and it getting stuck for a short while I broke down and began to cry. I was just so frustrated. I pulled myself together and put that frustration to use and got the bed up the stairs and in the room. I then began to cry again. JT came home for lunch and got to see this frustration in full force. He asked what is wrong and I began to tell him how I hated this house. I would love to meet the British person who thought it was a great idea to build a house not only with hardly any parking space outside and so close to you neighbor to can hear them pee but why not build them with NO closets AND make the rooms SO small you can hardly turn around in them. REALLY?!?!? That was brilliant! So back to my title...is it that Americans just have too much stuff (which I do think Americans do have WAY more then we need and JT and I have gotten rid of a lot of things) or is it the rest of the world that is crazy and just don't know how to build houses? My vote they are crazy! :) Pictures of our house will soon come...once I've got it all set up.
JT and I bought a full size mattress for our guess bedroom because next weekend his friend is coming to visit for the weekend and my parents are coming to visit us for Christmas. It was delivered to our house on Wednesday and has been sitting in our living room until Friday. Why you might ask! Well I will tell you. It has been sitting down in our living room because we had no space to put it in the guestroom. You see, we have a 3 bedroom and 2 and a half bath. It is also only a few years old. We are the second people to live in it. You would think that is great and we have a pretty nice house which we do. It is a very nice house BUT the only think I hate about it is that there are NO closets at all. Nothing! So we have to buy these wardrobe things so that we can hang up our cloths and we had to buy these selves to put our bathroom things on and somewhere to put our towels. This sucks too because the rooms are already REALLY small and now we have to take up even more space with these large wardrobes. All this to say, we have EVRYTHING that doesn't have a place in the two extra rooms (which is a lot of stuff).
So Friday I had to put ALL the stuff in the guest bedroom into the office/laundry/closet room. Let me just say that room is now an even bigger mess and you can't even get in the room (that's my next project). Anyway in the middle of moving the bed up the stairs (by myself) and it getting stuck for a short while I broke down and began to cry. I was just so frustrated. I pulled myself together and put that frustration to use and got the bed up the stairs and in the room. I then began to cry again. JT came home for lunch and got to see this frustration in full force. He asked what is wrong and I began to tell him how I hated this house. I would love to meet the British person who thought it was a great idea to build a house not only with hardly any parking space outside and so close to you neighbor to can hear them pee but why not build them with NO closets AND make the rooms SO small you can hardly turn around in them. REALLY?!?!? That was brilliant! So back to my title...is it that Americans just have too much stuff (which I do think Americans do have WAY more then we need and JT and I have gotten rid of a lot of things) or is it the rest of the world that is crazy and just don't know how to build houses? My vote they are crazy! :) Pictures of our house will soon come...once I've got it all set up.
27 October 2010
European Roadtrip
This last week, October 17th through October 24th, JT and I were given a wonderful opportunity to take a road trip to Italy so JT could play in the Armed Forces soccer Tournament at Aviano Air Force Base. Italy was a beautiful place and we loved every minute of being there but we sure did have some rough times and most defiantly interesting times along the way.
Our trip started out on the wrong foot. We were set to leave at 7:00AM on Sunday. As we went to leave JT went to plug the GPS in and the plug/lighter outlet wasn't working! REALLY?!? Now is the time it wants to stop working? So he spent an hour and a half trying to fix and learned that the fuse had blown. So we headed out without it working and prayed that the GPS would hold until we could stop somewhere and fix it. We were able to fix it in Dover, England right before we loaded onto the ferry to cross over to France. Thank you God!
Once we got across the water we drove through France to Lyon. As we drove I looked out the window to the small towns we passed and thought to myself, I am driving through FRANCE! The small cluster of homes that formed a town was so beautiful and looked just like the movies. But that was about all that was beautiful in France. JT and I both did not really care for France at all. In Lyon, the streets smell of pee and every building we saw looked run down and dirty. Honestly we felt as though everywhere we went we were in the ghetto. Lyon is known as the second largest city in France, next to Paris. So we drove around the city before we headed out on Monday morning. We drove to the football stadium that JT was so excited to see, got gas and headed out of town. Oh and I forgot to tell you, France really likes Toll roads! Before we even got to Italy all the Euro's we had for the trip there was gone because of the tolls. 150 Euros in JUST tolls. :( Not such a good thing. We didn't plan for this and this little set back put a big damper on our trip money wise and raised the stress level really high. We only ate the snacks I had bought before we left for two and half days. We had are arguments and some tears but really learned how to work together under such high stress and keep our faith that God would help us through (which he did).
Monday night we stayed in Venice, Italy. Oh my goodness, did this place take my breath away. It is BEAUTIFUL! It was so nice to relax in such a romantic city and let a little bit of the stress melt away and just enjoy each other’s company. On Tuesday we walked around Venice and take lots of pictures.
I had never seen anything like it and I had such a blast taking it all in with such an amazing man. It couldn't have been a better day then that day. The sun was shining bright with crystal blue skies and about low 70's as the temp. I was in heaven and I believe so was JT. After we walked around and took several pictures, we left Venice and headed on into Aviano AB. The view on the way in was breath taking. Especially for JT who had never really seen those kinds of mountains. As we got closer the mountains got bigger. There was snow just on the top with the blue skies behind it and you just saw in awe of what God created. 
The rest of our trip in Aviano went wonderful. We were able to relax a bit and just enjoy each other. We went to see a movie and had a picnic outside. The weather was beautiful the whole week, until the end. The Lakenheath Eagles did such a great job at the tournament too. There were 13 teams including Lakenheath and we got 2nd place. JT loves playing football and really has a blast out there with his teammates and friends. I also enjoy watching him play but find it funny how protective I am over him. It's going to be interesting when we have kids and THEY are out there playing. They better watch out for Mrs. Atarama!!! ;)
Our trip home went a lot smoother then our trip there. We only got lost on our way out of Aviano and landed somewhere in the mountains where an old scary Italian man tried to talk to us in Italian. Half his teeth were missing and the others were rotted out. He kept pointing to me and would go off in Italian. I was ready to get out of there and get somewhere safer. Which we did and we now laugh about it all.
I would tell anyone that Italy should be on their top list of countries to visit. I think it is one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen (so far) and the food is so delicious! JT and I really enjoyed our time in Italy and look forward to going to other places there in the future. There are more pictures of our trip on Facebook if you would like to check them all out. 
13 October 2010
The start of something new
So I've read a few of my friend’s blogs and find it very encouraging and inspiring so I thought I should do one myself. I'm not a good writer like my friends Katie, Laurie, and Emily but I have a lot of thoughts, feelings, struggles, excitements, stories, and need for encouragement. You will probably find a lot of misspelled words and my grammar incorrect. And yes I am a teacher but we all have strengths and writing is not one of mine. :)
As some of you know I am a newlywed as of June 11, 2010. I married the most amazing man who is in the Air Force and stationed in England. We are planning our wedding ceremony in Oklahoma City, OK on June 10, 2011. Along with all the stress and business of planning our wedding I also have a new way of life I am trying to familiarize myself with. Not only learning how to be a wife to my husband but also learning to be a wife to a man who is in the military. My life as I knew it a year ago has changed 100%. I have a whole new life that I don't know anything about and with that I have many, many struggles that seem to overtake who I am. Please don't take this as I am not happy because I am very happy and feel very blessed with JT in my life and all the opportunities I am given. I have just been faced with a big challenge that sometimes I feel I cannot successed and admitting I am in great need of encouraging words and prayers to carry me through.
I plan to write often. At least as often as my time will allow me to. But I ask that you, those who will take the time out of their busy days, will write and encourage me to press on. I have many areas in my life that I need advice and help figuring out. I will write to you all about being a wife, being a military wife, weight loss, my job (or the lack of), my faith, church, friends (or the lack of as well), eating healthy and cooking meals, family and all the in between. Send me links, articles and encouraging words for I am at a lost most of the time. Thank you all for taking your time to read what I write. Until next time, Goodnight!
Dana
As some of you know I am a newlywed as of June 11, 2010. I married the most amazing man who is in the Air Force and stationed in England. We are planning our wedding ceremony in Oklahoma City, OK on June 10, 2011. Along with all the stress and business of planning our wedding I also have a new way of life I am trying to familiarize myself with. Not only learning how to be a wife to my husband but also learning to be a wife to a man who is in the military. My life as I knew it a year ago has changed 100%. I have a whole new life that I don't know anything about and with that I have many, many struggles that seem to overtake who I am. Please don't take this as I am not happy because I am very happy and feel very blessed with JT in my life and all the opportunities I am given. I have just been faced with a big challenge that sometimes I feel I cannot successed and admitting I am in great need of encouraging words and prayers to carry me through.
I plan to write often. At least as often as my time will allow me to. But I ask that you, those who will take the time out of their busy days, will write and encourage me to press on. I have many areas in my life that I need advice and help figuring out. I will write to you all about being a wife, being a military wife, weight loss, my job (or the lack of), my faith, church, friends (or the lack of as well), eating healthy and cooking meals, family and all the in between. Send me links, articles and encouraging words for I am at a lost most of the time. Thank you all for taking your time to read what I write. Until next time, Goodnight!
Dana
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)