What's happened to me?!?!?

Well when I first started this blog I stated in my first blog that there will be times where you will get to see the 'raw' Dana. The concerns and struggles I am having. Well here is one of those times...and it's a long one. I'm not really sure how to start it so I'm just going to type, okay? Okay.

For quite some time now, probably about two years, I have been developing a hardened heart! My heart is so hardened that I don't even recognize myself! Those of you who have known me for a long time wouldn't believe that it's me and those of you who I have just meet in the last couple of years wouldn't have believed who I use to be. While I was standing at church during the praise and worship part I couldn't bring myself to sing. This isn’t like me! I use to LOVE the worship part of church. I loved singing those songs. But now every time I open my mouth to sing tears start to fill my eyes and I have to stop. I don't even know why I tear up but I do EVERY time! When I was younger I was so outgoing and befriended as many people as I could. I was always involved in everything. Now, NO THANK YOU! The fact that I am even going to church is a good step. One that was hard for me to do. Not, that it's because I'm living this life full of sin and doing things I shouldn't but just because I would rather sit at home by myself or with JT, not having to face people who could hurt me or judge me I guess. But also not having to face God in his own house. Now I realize these are two different issues or maybe there not but the reasoning behind my feeling for these two things are different. I'll start with the people part first because I know the answer to that one.

When I go to church or anywhere for that matter I walk in usually with my head slightly down and very closed off. When I am greeted I smile a small grin and say a very quite hello. If I am not greeted, even better. I can keep walking and not be faced with meeting someone else in this world. Now as of lately I've forced myself to get involved with different activities such as the Enlisted spouses club or going to weight watchers or to a yoga class but with those I sit there awkwardly and hardly talk to anyone unless I already know them well. For those of you who really know me, this isn't like me, is it??? And to be honest it drives me crazy that I can't be like I use to and just walk in to a place cheerful and happy and talk to anyone and make a new friend. I just CAN'T do it. I've tried. My heart is so shut off that I can't warm it back up again. Now every once in awhile I am able to but it's usually with people who are quieter then I am. Now you may be asking, why are you like this Dana, what happened?? Well, I've been asking myself that same question and I can only come up with a few answers. Now whether everything has to do with it or if it's just part of it I don't know but I know it has affected me.

When I first moved here to Lakenheath AB and started working at the CDC I was struggling more than ever before with just plain happiness. I had met a lot of people that I never knew grown women could act like they did. A lot of just plain mean women and rude women and I had never had as much trouble making friends as I did there. At least friends that were worth being a friend to. I guess growing up in the kind of home I did and the kind of culture I did protected me from flat out evil people and I just couldn't wrap my head around it and it made me very depressed and really angry. I shut down in every way possible. Not just because I couldn't make friends here in England but also because the friendships I held close to my heart weren't as strong as I thought they should be and it hurt in so many ways that I don't even know how to express it. Now, what I am about to write I pray doesn't hurt anyone or that no one will take it personal. Why I am doing this is not to make anyone feel bad but to maybe help myself forgive whole heartily and to hopefully find my way back to who God made me to be.

To be honest, I don't even know where to begin on this part of my story. All I know is that it hurt a great amount and honestly is what pushed me over the edge and made me shut down or shell I say go into a shall. There is too much to really explain everything. Going back to living in S. Korea. Well, probably farther than that but that is just when I remember it starting to hurt as bad as it did to where it started to affect me. All I will say is that I felt alone. I began to question myself and how I was as a friend, as a sister, as a daughter and even as a wife. When I would think about who truly cared about me as a friend I felt like there was no one and it hurt. I even questioned if some of my family truly cared. Now, please understand that I'm not blaming anyone and again I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad. Now, yes can we all do better at showing our love for others? YES!!! Including myself but I whole heartily believe that Satan was and IS behind this. The pain was so great that I was looking for someone or something to help ease it so I started going to a councilor here on base. Can I say she truly helped me, no. First, she wasn't a Christian so she wasn't directing me in the way I SHOULD (and knew) I should be going. But she did explain something about me that I now see as SO true. She showed me that I hold GREAT expectations of everyone and every situation and when those expectations don't go the way I think or hoped they would it greatly disappointments me to where sometimes I can become depressed. WOW! I didn't realize I was doing that! I am setting myself up for a world of hurt! Okay, so now that I know this about myself, what do I do to stop it? How can I change it? And that is where I'm stuck.

I truly enjoy making people feel good about themselves. I love giving to people and I love being the best friend I can be. Am I always that way? No, like you, I am human and I get caught up in other things or I forget or whatever the case may be but I do try very hard. At least I use to. But I so desperately want to get back to the person I use to be BUT without the expectations in return. I know we are suppose to love others with no expectation for it being returned and when we do expect it people have said (or at least I remember this from somewhere) that we didn't truly love them in the first place! I would have to disagree because I ALWAYS loved! TRUELY loved! I guess I just wanted or needed to be loved in the same way I loved others.

I am struggling to find myself again. I am struggling to love whole heartily again in fear of being disappointed (because of myself). But I am fighting to find myself again and I fighting to love whole heartily again withOUT the expectations and the set up for disappointment. I do value my family and my friends! And I try to put my whole heart into everything I do for each one of them. I am sorry for expecting anything in return from anyone of you! And I am sorry for letting any of you down. I will find myself again and your real friend/sister/daughter/and wife will be back. I just pray it's soon.

Now, back to that second part of this whole thing. I've been sitting here for awhile now wondering why I am I so afraid/angry/scared of God. Or what is it that has built that wall between him and me? And why can't I bring it down? To be honest, I don't have ONE answer. I can name bits and pieces as to what have been a part of why but not just one thing. THIS is it! Or THIS is why. So I'm just going to say this, please pray for me to find my way back to him! Or no, better yet to ALLOW him back into my life. To bring down that wall I have up. To feel loved by him again! Please don't get me wrong here and please don't judge me. (I've had enough of that in my past). I do love God and I do try to be Christ like every day. I go to church and I pray to God. I don't want to be preached at or told the same things I've been told my WHOLE life. I just need to be encouraged and lifted up in prayer. Does that make sense?

I pray that this blog makes sense and I can start finding myself again. If I rambled on please forgive me. I just really needed this to be said. Let the real me be known. Now since I am finishing this blog on Thanksgiving Day I want to say a little something about being Thankful! I want each one of you to know just how thankful I am for you! I am grateful for the friends I do have and the family I have! I miss those of you that I don't get to see every often more then you will ever know and I am grateful for the ones of you that I have in my every day to day life. Each one of you has helped me along my crazy life journey in more ways then you know and I couldn't have made it without you! I love you all and pray you have are having a very blessed Thanksgiving with family and if not family then wonderful friends!!! Happy Thanksgiving!!!!